Who am I? To many, this will seem like a silly question at this stage in my life. I'm 29 years old, I have three children, I've been married and divorced twice. I should know by now who I am right? To be honest, this isn't the case. I've spent so much of my life focused on those around me that I forgot about the most important person in my life- myself.
How can you forget about yourself you might ask. It's simple really. I'm not sure at what point in my life I decided to label myself the caretaker- but somewhere along the way I did. I determined that I needed to take care of every person I encountered. I get a great sense of joy and pride from helping others. Whether I'm cooking a meal, helping someone register for school, or being that 2 am crisis manager- I gain so much self fulfillment from helping those around me. This sounds like a good thing right? To some extent it is wonderful. The world receives a generous caretaker, self-assigned to assist those in need. The problem is what I do during that helping, and that is where the breakdown begins.
What happens to your emotional health when you begin to take on someones problem as your own? The flaw in my helpful nature is the level in which I extend myself to help. I typically take the person's problem on as my own. I feel responsible for fixing this issue for them, regardless of my actual ability to do so. There is such a flaw in this way of thinking. The most important piece of information I have learned in my life is that I cannot change anyone but myself. (Thanks, Nana!) I can't make people act, think, or feel differently than they do. I can't fix every mistake they make. I can't take back their crime, indiscretion, or wrongdoing; I can't change their way of thinking. So that seems a bit like I'm helpless. False. I can help them, generally. I just need to learn a few things. The first being that I cannot take on their problems as my own. I need to learn to have a barrier, a buffer zone if you will, to maintain a healthy distance while assisting them with their struggle. The second thing is that I cannot actually fix you- you must repair yourself. I can only offer guidance through suggestion, share similar experiences that may help, and spark new ways to look at your situation.
Not being in control of the change does so many things to my psyche. I feel so many emotions when it comes to helping others. I often feel like if I don't handle it, or repair the problem, that no one will. I feel responsible for every person's happiness. Feeling that weight of the world on my shoulders is a very unhealthy thing to feel. How can I possibly fix every relationship, cure every depression, change every life path? The answer is simply one that I've refused to accept until now. I cannot fix everything. I am not in control of the universe. I am only responsible for one person's happiness- that person is me.
So where do I go from here? I cannot control the universe, I can only control myself. I've been so concerned with everyone else obtaining happiness and self worth, that I've forgotten about myself. I'm 29 years old and I don't know much about myself at all. I only know those self-assigned "job titles" that I've labeled myself with over the last three decades. The first step is understanding that I have something I want to change. I want to learn who I am as a person: my likes and dislikes, my strengths and weaknesses, what makes me happy. The next step is to search for those answers.
Enter in step 2: explore! Follow along as I try new things (even if they are scary!) I invite you to learn who I am in real time, as I discover who the real Kimberly Miller is myself. It's sure to be an amazing journey!
~K.
No comments:
Post a Comment